Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts

Monday, November 25, 2013

super-late mega update

Here are the poems I submitted for my final folio in my Writing Poetry subject. There's a sonnet in there, so watch carefully! Some fiction, some faction, some familiar, some totally fresh. Enjoy!


imitation

Having never been aware
of the advent of wikipedia.org
I failed to prepare a suitable section for 'personal life',
being far too focussed on ruthless and bloodthirsty dictatorship.
The whimsical facts apparently so necessary for modern audiences eluded me, and all I can supply instead are the numbers of lives I took, while defending the voice of freedom.
Apparently though, I look good in a wig,
but everybody wore them,
so I'm not quite sure why that's surprising news.
In your time if a man wears a wig,
he's singled out for public blandishment,
as though it is right to demand a full head of hair til death do you part upon the altar of age.
But no! It is not right! I demand a fair trial!
A people's court!
The swish and spring of the guillotine!

Ah, Madame Guillotine, I always dressed for you in the finest of white stockings,
applauded your efforts to shave the unruly beard off the national escutcheon.

I also quite enjoy having a huge, weapon,
rising up above the crowd,
statuesque symbol of...
symbol of...

My advice to all future dictators is simple,
and garnered from my experience and that of my friends.
Don't allow young women to meet with you in your medicinal bath.
Don't shoot yourself in the jaw (it hurts).
Don't encourage the people into too many rash and swift executions, yours will be next.
Do however make as full use as possible of such words as 'committee', 'public' and 'safety', and I can recommend a little brandy in the morning
to get in you in the mood for
signing endless documents
and meeting with smelly men.

Spurned, or, Human Error

He was a barb:
a fragment of glass, swallowed accidentally.
He scraped first at her lips,
(her words caught)
next, her throat
(shredded, twisted into knots).
But it was the long, slow descent,
through metres and metres that nearly killed her:
internal bleeding the least of the worries
as they lay together,
(her heart screaming)
him sleeping, her distressed.
     Never had a minds meeting,
     never nothing but a near miss.


Childhood

When you were leaving,
and picking up your keys from the console table,
and rifling through your bag,
and going on about whether you’d need a taxi for this evening,
I wondered if I should tell you that
in my dreams last night
I floated on a magic carpet
in a scene not dissimilar the sequence in Aladdin
that we used to watch together
while mum cleaned the kitchen
and let us eat popcorn
and sang along loudly when we turned the music up.


I didn’t want to listen to the details of your day,
but remember the feeling
of flying without falling,
that even though,
usually,
sitting on a carpet is not exactly comfortable
for long periods of time,
in transit, this one felt
like a soft cushion of air,
plush fibres
and a large dose of subconscious recognition
that I was still lying on my own bed,
cradled by the extra, sheepskin layer I put on it in the winter,

and we used to speak of such things
when I was less anxious
and you were less busy
and we generally chatted
between our bunks 
after lights out in the evenings,
so pointless in daylight saving,
as the glow through the plastic venetians
continued to reveal the
shapes and textures of the room. 

In earnest voices we'd discuss
almost any thought that crossed our minds,
the way we felt when tuna-bake was served again
on silent Sundays, 
a gastronomic ritual we both disliked. 
We'd speak about the books we'd read
and I'd advise,
from my obvious maturity
the best way to deal with grandparents.

Are we grown-ups now, 
is that the problem?
The reason I can no longer speak
of frivolous dreams
and vague impressions?
Do suits impose a verbal prison from which
no ordinary words can be spoken,
only business mish mash and 
public speech?

You said, “goodbye, I'll see ya later”
closing the door before my reply. 
“My magic carpet's better than yours,
and I don't give a stuff about your boyfriend”
to the empty room,
the blank door, 
the missing voices. 

word to Derrida

You are a black hole,
whose centre is a vacuum. 
I am a solar system, 
whose centre is a sun.

for Paris

Not cold in her grave she lies,
but hot.
Baked back to clay by unforgiving sun.

Three days have passed,
but life's light does not sink down,
piercing thick layers of soil to touch her.

Life's light has not reached
her stiffening, suffocated body at all.

Her silent lips are mimicked now
by silent stares above.
She speaks not death's dark secrets,
while blind teachers disclose empty truths.
Platitudes.
Milk stuff,
to minds starved of meat,
so needed for their journey ahead.

Paris died.
Small child.
And every womb cried out,
empty arms groped for their beloved.

No no no no no no no.

Don't worry yourselves about it,
it didn't happen,
but it did,
so we should shut up now
and eat some chocolate.

Hallmark words will not revive her,
no kiss of life can now resuscitate.

But yet,

your voice may find her,
through soil and darkness penetrate.

Unafraid of death's dark shadow,
powerful truth, now spoken as command.

Resurrect!

And light will blind her,
breath shall find her lungs again.

sunset

Soon your hands will wither.

Those veins you can barely see now
will strike new wrinkles in your skin,
rise up over softened crevices.

Your neck will slouch,
descend to meet the breasts that
also have descended
down down down
to meet the bottomless belly
draped over wasting thighs.

Soon, soon, as time reveals, exposes,
your body will fold in, replace,
become unrecognisable.

This skin contorts, transforms,
is plastic
in the image of its maker.

A constant reminder
of your fragility, changeability, liminality,
the fine, filmy substance of your physical existence

in this epoch.

You should EMBRACE
this final, flaming, sunset spark,
the glory unparalleled of being allowed
to dance and shine before your maker.

And then, look forward
to dawning again,
upon a world remade,
fresh light,
new skin,
new blood.




Wednesday, March 6, 2013

wounded

bruised
battered
beaten
worn

Can I get a sling for my whole body?

A bandage for my soul?

When you poke me, it hurts,
whether in jest or no.

When you slap me, it stings,
old wounds re-open.

I can't cope with much more at the moment,
please soothe my sores,
bind up my broken heart
and re-make me whole. 

Monday, February 25, 2013

abnormal

So it turns out it's not normal,
this feeling that my eyes are always three hours more tired
than the rest of my body.

The optician asks,
"have you noticed anything abnormal recently?"
I say, "what's normal?"

She smiles quizzically,
thrusts the machine in front of my eyes,
makes a few adjustments and says,
"not your sight".

So, now I need to wear glasses.


So it turns out it's not normal,
this feeling that my body is just a body,
with good bits and bad bits,
bits that I quite like,
bits I think other people like.

The photographer grimaces in concentration,
stands back with his head cocked to the side,
then tucks me in behind dresses, bridesmaids and the flower girl,
my concealment now bringing the photo back to balance.

So, now I feel like the photogenic failure, and just want to hide.


So it turns out it's not normal,
this feeling that every day is a melancholy farce,
another opportunity to feel disconnected, depressed and alone.

The friends smile in happiness to see me,
warm hugs, loving eyes,
offers of support and an understanding attitude.

So, now I have to remember that I cannot measure normal.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

surprise me

The Comedian stood,
bold, sardonic, creative, generous, thoughtful and wise.

a howl from the rooftops,

a quiet question, echoing into the night.

"Who is the lucky one?"
The quick or the dead?

The ones who've exited this plastic fantastic,
super-charged and
super-disappointing earthly existence?

Or the ones left behind.

Like us.

Scattering our wonderings to the wind.

Answer back some time won't you?

Trump logic.
Please?!!

Give an irrational but truthful reason to continue!
Bless us with an unjustifiable, unreasonable basis for drawing in breath.

Beat my brain down from it's arrogant, desperate, frightened, weary, wounded sanity,
and let me live,
not in ignorant bliss,
but astounded enlightenment. 

Thursday, January 31, 2013

being kathy bates

So apparently I think I'm Kathy Bates in Misery...

That anyone trapped in conversation with me is just wondering,
"when is she gonna break my legs so she can keep me here?"
"how can I escape?!!"
Hoping that I'm not going to further display my mental disturbance
by drugging them,
tricking them into something resembling friendship.

Cheerful isn't it,
the assumption I'm blackmailing, manipulating everyone.
That they're being polite at first, because they have to,
but soon would rather be anywhere but in the room with me.

I think like that about you sometimes too.
That you're just loving me out of obligation,
and soon you're gonna leave me too.

In this room,
alone,
forever,
where I rightfully belong,
with only the emptiness and waste to talk to,
a fitting punishment for whatever it is my mind thinks I've done.

Why do I think I'm Kathy?

Why?!

Monday, January 14, 2013

the parable of the lost sheep

I'm not lost.
I just stopped.

Srsly, there's no point coming back for me,
you'll just put the other sheep in danger.

Seriously! GO AWAY!!

I'm not worth it.

I'll just stay here, and eat this grass,
til it's gone.

And then I guess I'll lie down.

And then I'll die.

No probs.



You're making me feel guilty staring at me like that.

Seriously! GO AWAY!!

It's pointless trying to pick me up.
I don't even know what you're doing here.
What?!
Do you want some sort of stand-off?
See who'll flinch first?

Well you know, and I know, that this is stupid.
I'm just one sheep.

BUGGER OFF!!!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

even today

Depression's worst on sunny days,
when Spring is in the air.

More justified, more rational
when black clouds gather Winter storms
or Fridays fall alone,
with tissues, pie and bed.

On glory days, with spirits high,
the laughter of friends ringing in azure sky,
the gutting fall to darkened deeps,
emptiness,
harsh inner voices and
distress

seems more potent,
draining,
hopeless.

Even on this day
I cannot be content.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Hebrews 10

Standing not in shadow,
but a vision now.
Still ephemeral,
but light.

What help is that?
To know more but feel nothing?
To stand either side, in the darkness or The Day
but not the middle moment,
the vital strike
of heavenly lightning to shattered earth?

Hope still as fragile,
life still a rehearsal,
the dumb imitation of actions not yet seen, but described.

Press on.

Press on weary soldier,
toward oasis promised.
Haze on the horizon,
not even the scent in the air.

But,

one day soon -
keep stepping,
you can wash,
and drink,
and rest. 

Sunday, July 8, 2012

hearing Psalm 142

I cry aloud to you, Yahweh,
I lift up my voice to you for mercy,
groaning from the cavern of my bed.

I know I'm only in a cave of deep, dark doona,
that soft pillows surround me,
blocking out bright morning light.

But my spirit is faint within me,
My eyes keep wanting to close.
The path I fear opens up to me,
full of dips and pot holes.

The Devil is in the details,
setting traps,
exploiting the possibilities open to him.
The snare of self-hate,
triggers abounding.
Ambushes of angst,
pinning me down,
robbing me of joy.

This is not 'normal' Monday-itis,
it is any day,
every day.
It is daily life plagued by overwhelming weariness,
chronic sadness
and little green pills.

Look to my side and you'll see I have no right hand man,
Look to my left and you'll see I wear nobody's ring.
No one is concerned for me,
I am the centre of nobody's life.
No one inquires about my soul.*


I cry to you oh Yahweh,
you are my refuge;
the lap I can hide on and bury my face in. 

You are my portion in the land of the living,
today you the only one tying me to that place.

Set me free from my invisible prison,
this weight of wearying worry and woe!
Break these shackles so I can praise you. 
Free me,
that I may praise your beneficent name!





*in God's rich blessing to me, these three lines are hyperbole. The rest isn't. 

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Elijah's complaint - 1 Kings 19

Crouched in the cave,
weary from the journey.
Head spinning,
knees knocking,
remembering the fight.

I knew, and I waited,
I had teased and cajoled.
Your perilous power
rested a moment in my gnarly hands,
so I waited and waited for the tension to grow,
then struck a deft, dazzling, dramatic blow.

But the dance took it out of me,
sent me tail-spinning,
loop looping,
nose diving,
over again.

How much longer do I have to keep tapping out your show?
Pulling rabbits from hats
to blind patrons,
carnival rats?

When will you come,
with your hordes,
with companions,
to sweep savagely down
through this rebellious crew,
once for all showing
nothing up their sleeves
no one behind their eyes?

Friday, June 8, 2012

and now for something not so different


If anyone out there was wondering what it's like inside my head, talking to God, kicking myself around, this will give you a window. 

I'm staying with some wonderful friends at the moment, the next in the long line of beautiful souls who have taken me in and given me a bed. But, I'll be looking for somewhere more permanent, and the issue I keep circling around is whether or not I can psychologically survive living on my own. 

I just made myself a malted milk, and settled down to type some stream of consciousness:



So, the crap-est part is just before bed.

When you walk through an empty house and there's no one to say goodnight to.

Perhaps Phil is right. Perhaps sleep is death. So having no one to say goodbye to is like dying alone.

And I'm sorry, my smaller-than-a-mustard-seed faith often doesn't comfort me with the truth that I am seen and known, at a time like this, when I am alone.

It's fine in the morning, I'm up, I've got things to do. I'm clearly not dead!

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, and it'll only be a short time before I see someone to talk to.

I could take myself down to a cafe, remind myself that everybody else is alive, and here.

I could send a text, call a friend, set up a meeting.

Why is it a problem at night...?

Alien hours stretch before me.

Hours of vulnerability, unconsciousness. Hours of dark and danger.

Hours of rehearsal for lying in a coffin, dark, immobile, silent and alone.

That is the time of day when I most wish someone was with me, by touch or sound. To hold my hand, or kiss me goodnight, or at least exchange a farewell glance as we peel off to our separate rooms. A shared smile, an acknowledgement that we'll be there together, in the sleep of death.




I can't do it because of the nighttime!

I can do it in the day, when the world's alight and friendly, and birds, postmen, traffic, planes and school bells line my way
through this weary progress,
making it all okay.

I could live by myself during the day only... 


No wonder pillow-talk is such a soothing practise. All the secrets and fears of the day come out.

Off-load, release, before the dark closes in and claims all hands of friendship in paralysing doubt.



I can think of nothing worse than dying in my sleep, because I know it's then I will be most alone. More alone than I've ever been before. Laid out, out cold, already waiting in state. But with no one to observe, except the ants and cockroaches, raking over the detritus of my life.


Come sleep, perchance to dream.

If only I could sleep in day, and stay on guard during all the watches of the night.

Stay alert, watch movies, beat sunrise back to beginning. Then rest, the sleep of victory, knowing I have graced the field with bright banners of triumph, defeating the guerilla camps of night.

By day I isolate by choice. Free walking, loose talking, not minding silence slipping by.

I would even lie down with a lion, just for the warmth. And that's what scares me most.

I'm a sheep, not a feline, and until you call Time, that's not a safe place for me to be. Lions still bite, sheep still bleed, and there's no sense in that picture at all.

But sheep are herd animals, just like the rest of us, so maybe they do feel safer with a lion than with nothing at all...

I don't wanna go hunting lions. 

But I don't want to live alone. 

Monday, April 23, 2012

face down disciple

I HATE your plan.
Your plan sucks.
A lot of what's happened so far has been awful,
and painful,
some of it tears at my heartstrings,
some of it tears at my throat, burning, strangling.

Your plan has been hard so far,
and I'm done with it.
I'm tired.

I know what I want the rest to be like!
I know how it could be, should be.

It's quiet and peaceful,
With lots of love to give and receive,
and very little lost.

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO FOLLOW YOU ANY MORE!!

You make everything too hard,
You ask me for too much.

I can't give everything!
Then I'll have nothing to keep me warm!

I know why Judas kept a hold of the purse strings -
it drove him mad to see you waste it like that.

I know why Jonah went to Ninevah -
anything but follow where you called.

I don't know why Abraham took a walk with Isaac,
and found the wood,
and raised the knife.

I don't know why you got up again at Gethsemane and kept going.

I just want to lie here on the ground a little longer...

Thursday, April 5, 2012

for Paris

Not cold in her grave she lies,
but hot.
Baked back to clay by unforgiving sun.

Three days have passed,
but life's light does not sink down,
piercing thick layers of soil to touch her.

Life's light has not reached
her stiffening, suffocated body at all.

Her silent lips are mimicked now
by silent stares above.
She speaks not death's dark secrets,
while blind teachers disclose empty truths.
Platitudes.
Milk stuff,
to minds starved of the meat
so necessary for their journey ahead.

Paris died.
Small child.
And every womb cried out,
empty arms groped for their beloved.

No no no no no no no.

Don't worry yourselves about it,
it didn't happen,
but it did,
so we should shut up now
and eat some chocolate.

Hallmark words will not revive her,
no kiss of life can now resuscitate.

But yet,

your voice may find her,
through soil and darkness penetrate.

Unafraid of death's black shadow,
powerful truth, now spoken as command.

Resurrect!

And light will blind her,
breath shall find her lungs again. 

Monday, March 26, 2012

the better plan

The stubborn voice in the pit of my soul never leaves me. 
Quiet for days, it suddenly springs, strangling me with sobs while I hang out the washing. 

I draw the stinging, slicing sword of your Spirit, 
desperately thrusting in defence, 

"You created my inmost being, You knit me together in my mother's womb". 

"Why?" asks the voice from the pit, louder than my own.
"Why did You bother?"

"If You knew my thoughts, if You saw all my days before they came to be, 
why did You make me at all?
You saw this day didn't You?
What a waste of time that turned out to be. 
The omnipotent, magnificent creator of the universe
was apparently concerned enough to make me for this day?
And the next? And the next?

Would anyone have had a worse life if I wasn't here at all?
Was there any point to using up precious resources to give me a brain,
a heart, a body?

I've made a list actually, 
of things You could've spent Your time doing. 
Better things, that would've been worth it. 
Things that would reverse the desperation and decay on this planet. 
Things that would help people recognise and worship you. 
Just a few small things, 
that would've cost as much effort,
but saved a whole lot of pain."

"You go before me and you follow me. You place Your hand of blessing on my head."
I parry, to no avail. 

"I wish I could sink away into the miry depths,
and never be,
and never have been. 
That would've been the better plan. 
That would've been the fitting thing."

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

six storm clouds

Six clouds banked up in the sky today, 
And sent down a dreary shower. 

The suddenness of the storm caused several leaks, 
Eventually blocked with tissues and shuddering, deep breaths. 

Why oxygen should be the cure for all evils is beyond me, but it seems you made it so. 


It also helped to moan my sorrows into a distant but friendly ear, 
Rather like you but... Well, the delightful tangibility of a two-way conversation is always comforting, and as we all know, you do answer back, but in a very abnormal way! 
That must be part of why you gave us the power of speech, 
So we can speak six words of comfort to each other, 
And banish six storm clouds. 

Monday, November 28, 2011

walking to school

Armidale, June, 1997.

I, the frightened child,
stand gazing at the frosty mist
escaping from my mouth with every breath.

Though it hangs in space,
suddenly substantial,
I feel my self to be
the nothingness of vapour.
My breath makes a mark where I do not,
then fades.

I am unable to move forward or backward,
but instead I freeze also,
like the grass, the leaves,
the air around me.

I glance up the hill through the tunnel of trees.
I glance back down the hill, toward home,
my eyes sliding sideways, secretly,
not wanting to admit
I don't want to move in either direction.

The street is very quiet,
only the occasional bird wastes warmth on calling out
to a friend,
or a worm.

I am alone on the path.

'How long can I stay here?' I wonder,
lost in a vacuum of time between home and school.

The path obviously doesn't contain much interest in itself,
but I am tantalised, hypnotised, by the possibility
of sitting,
not stirring,
freezing into the background,
until the school day is over,
and I've run out of reasons not to go home.

Monday, November 21, 2011

emotional werewolf

What the hell am I doing?

I, a person who's always used routine and busyness to create the illusion for myself that my life has meaning and value: I am about to embark on a year of no routine, and worse, intentional lack of busyness.

How will I not break apart, when these props of my value disappear?

The stress of the prospect alone is causing restless nights full of violent dreams, and the return of sobbing, 2am breakdowns, which I'd mercifully had a solid two months peace from. Apparently the idea itself is enough to transform me back into my emotional werewolf self... What will the reality do?
                                                                                             

What the hell am I doing??!!!

I, a person who's always struggled to express in writing what I can apparently describe eloquently in speech am dedicating a year not to talking, but to writing; trying to nail the jelly to the wall and then, worse, expose it to public criticism!

How am I going to survive spending every day kicking an empty can around the concrete back-yard of my disappointing incompetence?

The stress of the prospect alone has increased my already troublesome persuasion for procrastination, as usual making an impossible Everest of the 'simple' tasks of cleaning and packing my possessions. How on earth will I complete anything next year if I can't move house now?
                                                                                            

As I lay here crying, provoked by these questions into a storm of anxious, desperate tears, I apologised to you for being sad. It felt rude, ungrateful, improper and selfish...

I guess that paints you as some sort of narky, unloving, 1950s male stereotype who is demanding I keep my chin up and stop crying, frustrated by my lack of appreciation for all the work you do out of the house on my behalf...

Nothing of that portrait is true...

But as my cheek grew clammy from summer humidity plus puddle-o-tears, and my inner self grew hairier and hairier and began to howl at the moon, you kept insisting, "since you are precious and honoured in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life".*

But that reassuring attempt to tame my inner werewolf with an understanding whisper only made it worse again! It is true then that I'm selfish, ungrateful, improper and rude to bemoan my misunderstanding, mistrust, misgivings, because I'm apparently precious and honoured, but stubbornly, illogically refuse to accept it!

And so we reach a familiar impasse, You and I...

All the historical certainty of your past actions: all your promised future actions and their empirically predictable strong likelihood may satisfy the anxieties and demands of modernist rationality, but those historical certainties and statistical probabilities fail to staunch the gaping wound of my more post-modern existential angst. My psycho-spiritual frailties are unfortunately exacerbated by my po-mo suspicion of power, grand promises and happy endings... It's not buying what you're selling...

And all the words you could muster, all the promises, declarations, commands, instructions, reassurances and encouragements bounce off the perverse psychological armour my damaged brain has forged for itself, apparently in an attempt to protect me from the slings and arrows of the possibility of failed love... My armour will not allow me to accept these words of kindness and restoration...

In brief, these words of yours, for now, don't stop me crying.

I need hugs, sunrises and prayer for that...

I needed to explain all this to you, distance myself from it, observe it, analyse it, hand it to you, so that I could calm down and re-focus...

And that's really helped.

I needed to see again the fantasy and the reality, so I could have a hope of separating the two...

Thankyou for providing for my needs, for space, time and capacity to pray. Please help me to remember all the other times too: the hugs, the answers, and your promise that the sun will always rise and banish the moon.

And please help me walk with you into whatever valley, shadow-of-death or otherwise, re-casting myself now no longer in the role of werewolf, but instead of recalcitrant, stupid, small, shorn, knock-kneed, wolf-vulnerable sheep...

Amen.

*Isaiah 43:4

Saturday, October 22, 2011

To The Cyclist Who Swore At Me

I'm really sorry I bummed you out,
so badly you had to call me a f&%#ing idiot.

Hot sun,
crowded cars,
morning traffic.

I thought there'd be more gap
between me and the next car,
and less gap
between you and me,
one human being and another.

That space instead
would be filled,
with understanding,
patience,
and a shared grimace at the traffic.

But you exaggerated the space between
and filled it with hate.
Presumably on the assumption
that you were simply retaliating
to the same attitude from me,
with equal and therefore naturally justified force.

You lived like it's an eye for an eye world.
And I'm trying not to.
But I fail all the time.

So I cried.
Hot tears,
running down and filling my sunglasses.

I hadn't cried like that for a while.
Humiliation.
Regret.

The melting sunscreen stung my eyes,
perhaps the natural justice you looked for.

Sorry.

Monday, October 10, 2011

on B's birthday

We few, we medicated few, 
dedicated to the fight for survival. 


We few, we suicidal few, 
who ponder death as others choose their salad. 


We few, we desperate few,
who don't admit it, because we don't want to be dramatic. 


A self-censoring response,
to minimalise or marginalise our pain. 
It feels so out of place, 
so difficult to be taken seriously, 
until we 'do something about it'. 


"Do you have a plan,
to harm yourself or others?"


Covered for insurance purposes. 


I'm a quick strategic thinker, 
I could develop a plan
to turn my nightmare visions into reality. 


But I don't. 


Because I don't need to. 


You sit on the lid, 
keeping that darkness inside the box. 
Not unleashing it on me. 


But I understand when the few, 
the medicated/un-medicated, 
decimated, hopelessly hopeful few do. 


We ask, 
do not hurt or betray us. 


Take our shattered hearts
and give us new, clean, whole ones. 


Amen. 

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

church

OH MY GOD!!!


I am so sick to death 
of disputes
arguments
false evidences
boring church services
limited ministries
petty people
facebook slurs
marginalisation
thoughtless repetition
thoughtless repetition
thoughtless repetition
thoughtless repetition
thoughtless repetition
stupid graspings after power
and crappy songs!


I despise myself
and the part I play
in this 
bloated
selfish
scarred
fatuous 
institution!!!


I hate the church!


And I know that for that 
I deserve to die...


Don't you hate it too
sometimes?


Just sometimes, 
when we're all being nasty to each other?


Just sometimes, 
when a pointless argument
wounds everyone in sight, 
needless collateral damage
to already dented egos?


Just sometimes, 
when we spend all our money, 
all our money, 
all our money,
on new paint and new programs?


I don't think you hate us
when we're just struggling to love each other.


When we've realised we could say hello,
go around and watch the footy,
maybe have a conversation in real life
instead of via email.


When do you hate us?