Showing posts with label help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label help. Show all posts

Monday, November 25, 2013

super-late mega update

Here are the poems I submitted for my final folio in my Writing Poetry subject. There's a sonnet in there, so watch carefully! Some fiction, some faction, some familiar, some totally fresh. Enjoy!


imitation

Having never been aware
of the advent of wikipedia.org
I failed to prepare a suitable section for 'personal life',
being far too focussed on ruthless and bloodthirsty dictatorship.
The whimsical facts apparently so necessary for modern audiences eluded me, and all I can supply instead are the numbers of lives I took, while defending the voice of freedom.
Apparently though, I look good in a wig,
but everybody wore them,
so I'm not quite sure why that's surprising news.
In your time if a man wears a wig,
he's singled out for public blandishment,
as though it is right to demand a full head of hair til death do you part upon the altar of age.
But no! It is not right! I demand a fair trial!
A people's court!
The swish and spring of the guillotine!

Ah, Madame Guillotine, I always dressed for you in the finest of white stockings,
applauded your efforts to shave the unruly beard off the national escutcheon.

I also quite enjoy having a huge, weapon,
rising up above the crowd,
statuesque symbol of...
symbol of...

My advice to all future dictators is simple,
and garnered from my experience and that of my friends.
Don't allow young women to meet with you in your medicinal bath.
Don't shoot yourself in the jaw (it hurts).
Don't encourage the people into too many rash and swift executions, yours will be next.
Do however make as full use as possible of such words as 'committee', 'public' and 'safety', and I can recommend a little brandy in the morning
to get in you in the mood for
signing endless documents
and meeting with smelly men.

Spurned, or, Human Error

He was a barb:
a fragment of glass, swallowed accidentally.
He scraped first at her lips,
(her words caught)
next, her throat
(shredded, twisted into knots).
But it was the long, slow descent,
through metres and metres that nearly killed her:
internal bleeding the least of the worries
as they lay together,
(her heart screaming)
him sleeping, her distressed.
     Never had a minds meeting,
     never nothing but a near miss.


Childhood

When you were leaving,
and picking up your keys from the console table,
and rifling through your bag,
and going on about whether you’d need a taxi for this evening,
I wondered if I should tell you that
in my dreams last night
I floated on a magic carpet
in a scene not dissimilar the sequence in Aladdin
that we used to watch together
while mum cleaned the kitchen
and let us eat popcorn
and sang along loudly when we turned the music up.


I didn’t want to listen to the details of your day,
but remember the feeling
of flying without falling,
that even though,
usually,
sitting on a carpet is not exactly comfortable
for long periods of time,
in transit, this one felt
like a soft cushion of air,
plush fibres
and a large dose of subconscious recognition
that I was still lying on my own bed,
cradled by the extra, sheepskin layer I put on it in the winter,

and we used to speak of such things
when I was less anxious
and you were less busy
and we generally chatted
between our bunks 
after lights out in the evenings,
so pointless in daylight saving,
as the glow through the plastic venetians
continued to reveal the
shapes and textures of the room. 

In earnest voices we'd discuss
almost any thought that crossed our minds,
the way we felt when tuna-bake was served again
on silent Sundays, 
a gastronomic ritual we both disliked. 
We'd speak about the books we'd read
and I'd advise,
from my obvious maturity
the best way to deal with grandparents.

Are we grown-ups now, 
is that the problem?
The reason I can no longer speak
of frivolous dreams
and vague impressions?
Do suits impose a verbal prison from which
no ordinary words can be spoken,
only business mish mash and 
public speech?

You said, “goodbye, I'll see ya later”
closing the door before my reply. 
“My magic carpet's better than yours,
and I don't give a stuff about your boyfriend”
to the empty room,
the blank door, 
the missing voices. 

word to Derrida

You are a black hole,
whose centre is a vacuum. 
I am a solar system, 
whose centre is a sun.

for Paris

Not cold in her grave she lies,
but hot.
Baked back to clay by unforgiving sun.

Three days have passed,
but life's light does not sink down,
piercing thick layers of soil to touch her.

Life's light has not reached
her stiffening, suffocated body at all.

Her silent lips are mimicked now
by silent stares above.
She speaks not death's dark secrets,
while blind teachers disclose empty truths.
Platitudes.
Milk stuff,
to minds starved of meat,
so needed for their journey ahead.

Paris died.
Small child.
And every womb cried out,
empty arms groped for their beloved.

No no no no no no no.

Don't worry yourselves about it,
it didn't happen,
but it did,
so we should shut up now
and eat some chocolate.

Hallmark words will not revive her,
no kiss of life can now resuscitate.

But yet,

your voice may find her,
through soil and darkness penetrate.

Unafraid of death's dark shadow,
powerful truth, now spoken as command.

Resurrect!

And light will blind her,
breath shall find her lungs again.

sunset

Soon your hands will wither.

Those veins you can barely see now
will strike new wrinkles in your skin,
rise up over softened crevices.

Your neck will slouch,
descend to meet the breasts that
also have descended
down down down
to meet the bottomless belly
draped over wasting thighs.

Soon, soon, as time reveals, exposes,
your body will fold in, replace,
become unrecognisable.

This skin contorts, transforms,
is plastic
in the image of its maker.

A constant reminder
of your fragility, changeability, liminality,
the fine, filmy substance of your physical existence

in this epoch.

You should EMBRACE
this final, flaming, sunset spark,
the glory unparalleled of being allowed
to dance and shine before your maker.

And then, look forward
to dawning again,
upon a world remade,
fresh light,
new skin,
new blood.




Wednesday, March 6, 2013

wounded

bruised
battered
beaten
worn

Can I get a sling for my whole body?

A bandage for my soul?

When you poke me, it hurts,
whether in jest or no.

When you slap me, it stings,
old wounds re-open.

I can't cope with much more at the moment,
please soothe my sores,
bind up my broken heart
and re-make me whole. 

Sunday, July 8, 2012

hearing Psalm 142

I cry aloud to you, Yahweh,
I lift up my voice to you for mercy,
groaning from the cavern of my bed.

I know I'm only in a cave of deep, dark doona,
that soft pillows surround me,
blocking out bright morning light.

But my spirit is faint within me,
My eyes keep wanting to close.
The path I fear opens up to me,
full of dips and pot holes.

The Devil is in the details,
setting traps,
exploiting the possibilities open to him.
The snare of self-hate,
triggers abounding.
Ambushes of angst,
pinning me down,
robbing me of joy.

This is not 'normal' Monday-itis,
it is any day,
every day.
It is daily life plagued by overwhelming weariness,
chronic sadness
and little green pills.

Look to my side and you'll see I have no right hand man,
Look to my left and you'll see I wear nobody's ring.
No one is concerned for me,
I am the centre of nobody's life.
No one inquires about my soul.*


I cry to you oh Yahweh,
you are my refuge;
the lap I can hide on and bury my face in. 

You are my portion in the land of the living,
today you the only one tying me to that place.

Set me free from my invisible prison,
this weight of wearying worry and woe!
Break these shackles so I can praise you. 
Free me,
that I may praise your beneficent name!





*in God's rich blessing to me, these three lines are hyperbole. The rest isn't. 

Friday, June 29, 2012

Jesus Christ, Superstar!

The 16 year old in me is v. relieved
you had compassion on
the guy who lived among graves and cut himself.

The woman in me is glad
you had compassion on
the sister whose leakage told a tale of woe
to anyone with a nose.

The sick person in me is desperately excited
that rumours are flying of a powerful healer,
so I'm ready to shed my dignity and run.

Everything they've told me about you so far gives me hope,
that here at last,
is a promise keeper. 

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Malachi

Refiner's fire,
my heart's one desire,
is for you to burn me alive,
and melt my skin til it bubbles away.

Launderer's soap,
my heart's one desire,
is to be pummelled by you,
slapped against rocks til my bones break,
ready to do your will.


We listened to words from Malachi on Sunday, and these were my sermon notes, inspired by this song:  I love this song, but it doesn't really capture the horror of the metaphor...

Friday, December 23, 2011

babel's verbal bricolage

Have yourself a melancholy Christmas,
let your heart be stone.
From now on your troubles will be
on your mind!
Yes have yourself a melancholy Christmas now.


Hark! The drunken uncle sings,
blast Nauru and kill the chinks.
Heat on earth, and Cooper's mild,
Aunt Dot won't be reconciled.

Joyful all ye 'lations rise,
join the triumph, eat the pies.
With th' angelic host proclaim,
Dudley's dead, it is a shame.

Hark! The drunken uncle sings,
glory to roast turkey wings.


O little town of Bethlehem,
how still we see thee lie.
Above thy automated sleep,
fake snow falls fill the sky.

Mechanical street choirs
all make a tinny sound,
the English look is rather grand,
but odd considering Palestine...


Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree,
thou totem to depression.
Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree,
hear now my sad confession.
I always want to gather round,
with family to hear the sound
of something more than Christmas trees,
cheap presents and fake niceties.


Dear Jesus, please please please help me to hear you above the din!

Help me when I'm sad about other things that you gave us all the most incredible gift.

And help me when I'm happy about that awesome vegetable curler I hope I'm getting, or my new icecream maker, or what I believe will be a very good book, help me then not to forget you either. Help me remember that vegetable curlers will pass away, but your words will never pass away. Help me to remember that as the sun rises and the sun set, your unfailing love surrounds me.

Help me to remember after I stop feeling sad about my first Spinster-Alone-With-Parents Christmas, you've got some really exciting, challenging blessings in store for me.

Help me to remember after I stop feeling tired from smiling as constantly as possible, being polite and patient all day, and not killing anybody that you will have a reward for me later.

Thankyou is such a wooden word to me at the moment, so I want to thankyou, but I don't want to say that...

I want to say that you give me a reason to get out of bed every day.

Whatever mood I'm in, whatever thoughts cross my mind, you walk along with me, talk it through, and pour your heavenly wisdom into my very empty bowl...

In those moments after I've stopped crying, or have just seen someone treated with injustice, or am suddenly struck by the universe sucking futility of plastic plants in the Macca's drive through, you are there.

In those moments when I'm laughing loudly at something very stupid, or am smiling smugly over a cake, or am suddenly struck by the astounding beauty of the clouds next to the highway, you are there.

Thankyou doesn't cover it...

Gracias?

Amen :-)

Monday, December 5, 2011

stars

As we drove from Orange to Molong, the sun finally set.

Dusk didn't fall, but rather folded itself around the gentle slopes and sinuous valleys of the central tablelands.

Every scent heightened as the wind dropped, in solemn acknowledgement of the on-coming night.

The sweet, warm smell of cattle began to seep through into the car, mingled with the more herbaceous aroma of roadside daisies, crops and weeds. Somewhere near the top of this rich, comforting, home-like bouquet was the woolly smell of lanolin as a scattering of sheep lay them down to rest.

The lights of the city had long faded, and at last, familiar stars began to replace them. At my right side as I drove, a nameless constellation pricked out its place in the blanket of the night, and I recalled its presence at the bedroom windows of my past, a fixed point of reflection as I fell asleep. That rocket-like shape had peered at me from afar for so many years, but recently, I had lost sight of it, as it was replaced for a decade by kilometres and kilometres of suburbs, sparkling into distance, meeting the shining centrepoints of the city.

To think I had worried I would not find new places to go and sit and be!

How strange that I had looked ahead with regret to the loss of my quiet bay in the harbour, not for its rough beauty alone, but because I feared it could never be replaced with any other equal prospects to calm the soul and soothe the mind.

So many anxieties have crowded in these past few weeks, at the very least stalking me on the dream-trails if not in waking life. To be torn apart by my own hand from my quiet bay was bad enough, but to also be separated from friends old and new, the comfort of their presence assuring me of their love, this rift has opened up an ocean of inner agony.

But you will comfort and walk with me. You are always with me. Your rod and your staff. You will graciously provide everything, as you already have. You know my needs, you love me, and you desire good things for me.

You put those stars there loooooooooong ago, and they will guide me in the darkest night.

I just needed to see them again, and be reminded.

Monday, November 7, 2011

this morning I

I know sharing the prayer below subverts the conclusion of my angst.

But that subversion is the reason I'm sharing it with you in front of everybody.

So many missionaries I know talk about spiritual warfare. And it's said the best thing to do is to drag all the evil out in the open, into the light of day, where we can see it for what it is and laugh at it.

Not that laughter is exactly the response I'm looking for at the moment!

But I'm dragging the evil out in the open for you to examine and destroy...



This morning I don't know why to put clothes on.
What's the point of hanging clothes of this ugly carcass?
I could wear a clown suit and it would be more appropriate!
Oh look. I am wearing a clown suit! My taste is horrible...

This morning I don't know why to eat breakfast.
Why feed this stupid body?
What's the point of chew, chew, chew, swallow
when the food turns to cardboard in my mouth,
and all I'm doing is keeping myself alive
so I'll be able to have another mouthful of cardboard.

This morning I don't know why to leave the house.
What's the point of leaving the house,
when I know I'm just going to come back again.
When the reason I leave is stupid.
All that's going to happen is stupid conversations,
misunderstandings and disappointment.

This morning I don't know why to drive safely.
What's the point of driving safely? Apart from not killing all the other people...
No one else looks where they're going.
Look! That woman's eating cereal and texting!
It'd be much better to go screamingly fast, spin around the corners and get somewhere.
Far away.

This morning I don't know why I should ever write anything again.
I express myself so poorly!
But that's all my ideas deserve.
They're just the derivative ravings of a madwoman.
Dribble.

This morning I don't know why.