what's the point?

I left church today feeling bad for not loving you more.
I wallowed for a while,
but nothing changed,
so I wondered if that was the point...

I read J. I. Packer today, and felt guilty for not loving you more.
I wallowed for a while, and beat my breast (metaphorically).
I frowned for at least an hour,
and then wondered if that was the point...

I left prayer meeting today, feeling uneasy about my lack of prayer.
I went to bed feeling hollow and woke up sad.
Then I wondered if that was the point...

Why do these good things turn sour?

Why does everyone else seem to do better?

Why do I fail at the most basic step?!

Why does an exhortation to honour you rightly
turn into a shouted demand
that I can't possibly live up to...?

I live for the few seconds,
moments,
sometimes days,
when I know in my heart that you love me.
When I have no problem understanding that you're my Dad,
and you're tenderly leading me,
lovingly admonishing me,
moulding me to be like you.

Breathe in, breathe out.

The feeling's gone...

In between I am anxious,
sad,
fearful,
confused,
angry,
wretched.

I wish sometimes,
that someone would remind me
you died to fix this problem I have
of not seeing you, knowing you, loving you as I ought.
There is no problem,
because you see, know and love perfectly
in my place.
And that is the point.