face down disciple

I HATE your plan.
Your plan sucks.
A lot of what's happened so far has been awful,
and painful,
some of it tears at my heartstrings,
some of it tears at my throat, burning, strangling.

Your plan has been hard so far,
and I'm done with it.
I'm tired.

I know what I want the rest to be like!
I know how it could be, should be.

It's quiet and peaceful,
With lots of love to give and receive,
and very little lost.

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO FOLLOW YOU ANY MORE!!

You make everything too hard,
You ask me for too much.

I can't give everything!
Then I'll have nothing to keep me warm!

I know why Judas kept a hold of the purse strings -
it drove him mad to see you waste it like that.

I know why Jonah went to Ninevah -
anything but follow where you called.

I don't know why Abraham took a walk with Isaac,
and found the wood,
and raised the knife.

I don't know why you got up again at Gethsemane and kept going.

I just want to lie here on the ground a little longer...