I know it's stupid.
That everyone's thought this before,
talked this before,
written this before.
You must get at least a little sick of it!
But I feel it at the moment...
It's the reason I shouldn't listen to Daydreamer by Adele
(beautiful singer, evil, evil song. Who could possibly inhabit that unreal expectation?!).
It's the reason I shouldn't watch Pride and Prejudice when I feel like this
(beautiful story, no delightful implications for Mary!).
It's the reason I shouldn't check facebook every thirty seconds
(beautiful community, no matter what people say, but every viewing only increases disappointment! The deserved frustrations of the village gossip when everyone's closed their doors for the night...).
So I know it's stupid...
But it's love!
I know it's boring by repetition,
but it's love!
It's discontented love.
It's the desire for love.
It's the feelings of love.
It's the reason I'm dissatisfied in you sometimes,
and the reason I don't want to be.
The Proclaimers sing that when you're in love, you're out of your mind.
That romantic love rots the brain.
They are so right!
Even when there's no one specific.
Even if the other person has no idea at all.
Or does and is embarrassed for you.
Or suspects but doesn't want you.
Even then, the brain rot can set in.
I'm sick of feeling like this,
because I don't want to resent you!
Or the life you give me.
But I can't help wishing,
that that person will turn and know.
That that person will realise, or confess, or acknowledge...
Or any person! Anyone...
But I know that my struggling in itself pleases you.
That by inviting you in, and asking, and hoping,
So please help me to keep trusting you God.
and not crying,
and not giving a rats,
and caring desperately about it,
because I want you to be involved in all of that.
And I want you to answer!